I got guns in my head and they won’t go…

…spirits in my head and they wont go…

That’s just a song, don’t worry. It got your attention though didn’t it?

Let me tell you about the thoughts that go through my head. Before I start though, I want to preface this with they are just thoughts, they aren’t reality. I can change my thoughts and I know that today. Substituting a positive thought with a negative one works wonders; you should try it. It is very simple.

“You’re a piece of shit addict and alcoholic.”

“You don’t deserve happiness.”

“You aren’t enough, and you are worthless.”

“You’re stupid.”

“You’re fat.”

“You’re ugly.”

“Why would anyone want to be your friend?”

These are just a few of the things that my roommate (the voice in my brain) tells me. I once heard, “Treat your mind like a dangerous neighborhood, don’t go there alone.” This is so true. My mind can be so dangerous. It can convince me that I am the worst person in the world, but it can also convince me that I am better than you. Humility tells me that I should be in between; I am no less than you, but I am no better than you.

These are the thoughts that I have always carried with me. These are the things I’ve believed my whole life up until recently. And it’s not that I don’t believe them anymore, but I am gaining more confidence in myself and I am willing to now believe something else, something more positive. I am not afraid of happiness anymore.

These thoughts, these guns.. they’re starting to go.

“Thoughts in your head are really no different than the sound of a bird outside. It’s just that you decide that they are more or less relevant.”

Adyashanti

Haven’t you heard that saying, “You are what you think?” I used to hear this and think nothing of it… no pun intended. It used to go in one ear and out the other, meaning absolutely nothing to me. Today, I understand.

In case you haven’t figured it out, I am an alcoholic and addict. Supposedly, my mind works differently than normal people’s minds work. Alcoholics think, act, believe, and feel based on distorted perceptions of themselves and the world around them. That was me. I based all my decisions on the way I felt- which was usually shitty considering I was always drunk. And if I wasn’t drunk, I was definitely high.

The disease of alcoholism gradually and insidiously strips everything away from a person. Until there is nothing left but death, or maybe the chance at life if you have even an inkling of sense.

Let that sink in.

Deeper.

I started drinking when I was a senior in high school even though everyone else I knew, that I called friends, had been drinking for a while. I was terrified. I saw what it did to people close to me. I’ll spare those details because I have no idea what family members might be reading this. But then I broke my leg and like I said, the world was over, everything was over.

Every time I drank, I drank to bLaCkOuT. I drank to escape. Escape my thoughts. I drank because it’s the only thing that helped me tolerate life. I used to take a little bit of each kind of alcohol from the liquor cabinet and mix it together. It was disgusting, honestly. But it did the job. The drugs come into play later when I went to college, but for now drinking had to be enough for me. But I could never get enough, and it was always too much. But what did I care?

My life was over. So drinking was my only option.

That’s all for now.