Y’all. What is happening.

The chaos and fuckery of the world right now is just mind-blowing to me. I have so many thoughts, but this is not a political blog, and I am not here to stir up trouble (because we all know that one [or more than one] person who can’t keep their mouth shut and HAS to say what their thinking before actually thinking about what they are saying….) so I will keep them to myself. Plus, they’re just thoughts, they aren’t reality.

Last time I blogged, I was teaching remotely. Today, I am teaching traditionally, with 18 kids in one classroom that is not big enough to keep them socially distanced, aka 6 ft. apart. Y’all it is impossible to keep them 6 ft. apart whether we are in a pandemic or not. Reality has set in for me. I have come to terms with the fact that this is the new normal- it has taken me a year to come to terms with it, but I am here. But, now what?

Every day is different. I never know what I am going to get from my students each day. Some days they don’t care at all about school; other days, they care too much. There’s no in between. Each day feels like a marathon; like I wake up, start running, and don’t stop until I go to bed. Rinse. Repeat. Run. Rinse. Repeat. Run. Rinse. Repeat. Not to mention, each day feels like I am running on a different path. Sometimes the path is smooth, sunny, and clear with beautiful views of butterflies and wildflowers surrounding me. Other days the path is like a mountain trail that is rocky and muddy, slippery with wild animals coming at you from all angles and all you are doing is trying to get to the finish line without being torn up, stopped, and affected by the wildlife. The only consistent thing here is that each day I am running. So how do I stop running? How do I slow down and find that in between place with my students? How do I take in beauty of the wildflowers and the butterflies instead of just running right past them? How do I confront this wildlife when it confronts me?

As I sit here and think about where to go from here, I am stumped. I go back to that radical acceptance. Reality is we are living in a pandemic. A pandemic whose end is not in sight; at least not for this girl. We are SURVIVING. And we are doing our very best. And THAT is the truth.

COVID-19

I had THE covid. I got it the second week of December. I had the following symptoms:

• runny nose and allergy-like symptoms is what started it
• the came the HEADACHE FROM HELL
• and then…. death knocked on my door (jk that’s dramatic considering this virus actually has killed SO MANY people and that breaks my little bitty heart)
• Fever, chills, brrrrr.
• I started getting chest pain, BAD.
• Shortness of breath
• The fatigue I still have…
• Then the STOMACH PART of covid hit me. [You don’t wanna know]
• And basically felt like complete shit for over a month and am still currently experiencing some long term effects that have really been a pain in my ass.

The only thing that I did not have to deal with was the loss of taste and smell. I was so grateful that I did not have that symptom.

Having Covid really brought this whole pandemic thing to a whole new level for me. The compassion and heartache I feel for those who have been affected by losing a loved one, or even their own life is immense. I wish I could hug those of you who are suffering. I miss hugs. And I feel like now is the time when we need to extend our arms to those around us more so than ever.

So, back to teaching during a pandemic. IT IS HARD. But, if you’re reading this, and you are still getting up every morning and going to work despite how you feel, then kiss your brain and give yourself a pat on the back because you are obviously doing the best you can and you have not given up. I am here for you. We got this.

Peace out, girl scout.

P.S. – it’s girl scout cookie time 🙂

Hot mess express coming through.

I am sTrUgGlInG. but it is what it is. My sponsor tells me that I just need to have some radical acceptance right now. I can’t stand her when she is right.

She is right.

Acceptance is the answer to all (meh, I’d go with most) of my problems. Along with some spiritual guidance from a power greater than me that I choose to call, today, the universe. I say today because honestly, I may call it something different tomorrow. You never know. I just know that connection is there and if I reach out, I can feel it.

Here is what I think about acceptance. I think acceptance is when you just push aside all judgements of whatever the situation is and you take what life gives you knowing that, in the end, or at some point, EVERYTHING will be ok. It is what it is… that’s what I have been saying lately. One of my all time favorite friends of mine likes to often tell me that I tend to automatically go to the worst case scenario. Like count on me to believe that my dog will die when he goes to get his anal glands squeezed. Seriously. I have witnesses. So acceptance is letting go of all the extra nonsense that floats in my brain, saying fuck that noise. I think that a lot of happiness in my life has come from those times where I just have walked through life on life terms.

BUT YALL… IT’S 2020. NOTHING IS ACCEPTABLE.

I am a remote teacher who sits in her classroom at school all day long by herself teaching to group of kids on the computer while simultaneously being a freaking clown just to keep my kids attention because REMOTE TEACHING IS HARD. Teaching in general is hard. But here we go… Acceptance is key. I know that I am not alone in how adequate I feel as a teacher right now. I know that things WILL be ok no matter what. I feel like if I can remind myself of that daily and each moment I think of how shitty I feel, then my days in the classroom would probably less lonely, sad, and miserable. So with the help of the universe, doing the next right thing, and accepting life on life terms, I think I should be ok.

Anyways, I believe that I do need to have some radical acceptance right now and realize that I am doing the very best that I can do. So that’s that.

TTYL

Number one, overwhelmed.

I also feel confused. Lost. Sadness. Fear. Anxiety. Shyness. Uncomfortableness. Loneliness (even though I know I am not alone). Apprehensive. Surprised. Discouraged. Insecure. Unsure.

These are just a few of the “feelings” I have around being a remote teacher. I think we all kind of feel like we are first year teachers again. So I know I am not alone in that aspect. I know that a lot of teachers feel these things. There is also a little bit of excitement surrounding this, too. I just can’t seem to be excited as much as I would like to be, honestly. I am worried I won’t be a good enough teacher this year. But that is just one of those lies that runs through my head and tries to tear me down. One of those “guns,” or thoughts I’ve talked about. Those lies; they are so strong right now.

I was taught that teaching brings challenges and it’s important for teachers to always remain flexible. I was also taught that when delivering instruction, you need to be excited, energetic, and get the students engaged in learning. I am afraid I don’t know how to do that part virtually and I am scared. I have also learned (not in the teaching realm) that fear is something I can’t get stuck in.

FEAR= Future Events Appearing Real. I have to remember that as I begin this school year. We all do. I am afraid of things that I don’t even know. So if I don’t know, then why am I scared?

As a teacher, I have learned way more than I give myself credit for. I forget I am a good teacher. I forget that I know what I am doing. Now all I have to do is do it remotely. I can do this. Yes there will be challenges, bumps, hills, etc. But none of these things are bigger than my higher power. None of these things have the power to take me down unless I let them. I love teaching. I have to remind myself of these simple things as we trudge through this new school year.

Don’t be fooled, I am also eager to learn new things. I have learned so much about google, and my “g-suite.” I have been doing some kind of professional development daily, learning all sorts of resources that can be used online. Today, I am doing a basic training on Teaching Remotely in Elementary Schools and it is for grades K-5.

So far, these are some of my favorites that I will be using this year:

• Google Classroom, plus Sites which will be my “home base” for the parents and students. On this there will be a Meet the Teacher tab, as well as a student portal, parent portal, calendar, and a virtual library. I am excited about it and am almost done creating the site. It will be up and running for the start of school.
• Jamboard- I am still learning, but so far it is like an online bulletin board that you can draw on, as well as pin pictures, videos, etc.
• ClassKick- Now this is cool.
• Flipgrid
• I learned how to use and navigate a students DIGITAL INTERACTIVE NOTEBOOK. Real cool, y’all.
• Google Slides, Docs, Forms, etc

So why am I so overwhelmed, scared, unsure, and all those other negative feelings when I have an over supply of resources and a grade level full of amazing teachers? Because it’s just DIFFERENT this year. Different is the word I have been using to replace negative words. So, instead of saying that this year is going to be hard, or scary, or whatever it may be, I just say it’s going to be different instead. It has changed my perspective and given me a chance to sit back, observe, and learn. I am more open-minded. I listen better. I ask questions. I put what I learn into practice. And then I get shit done, y’all. I FREAKING CREATED A BLOG. And I am here talking about what is on my mind. That is something.

Just writing about this has given me a chance to think about the way I am talking about and dealing with Covid-19 and being a remote teacher. I have been so negative that I have almost shut myself off to learning new things. I was so set on being in the classroom, teaching traditionally, and then all of a sudden I was assigned the role of being a remote teacher. So I GET TO learn something new. I GET TO teach kids through a computer. I get to do these things. I get to do these things because I want to continue my passion for teaching.

I am so grateful for my life today. I am grateful that I get to feel and grow through things. And I am proud of the teacher I have become today.

Buckle up, you’re in for a wild ride with this awesome collaboration between Jamie and myself. I started a blog, and Jamie was so supportive of me. She’s a natural born writer and used to write for the Pensacola News Journal. She is married with two awesome little munchkins that are as cute as can be. So, she quickly said to me, “We should collaborate and write something together.” What better to write about than something we both work hard at each and every single day of our lives. Emotional Stability. Jamie’s words will appear italicized & bold and mine will be just normal without any features that way you know whose thoughts are whose. I was going to put hers in one color and mine in another, but apparently I don’t know how to do that.

Emotional Stability

Emotional stability is elusive for some. Ok, so first of all I looked up the word elusive. Elusive means difficult to find, catch, or believe for those of you who needed a definition. Emotional stability is so hard to understand. First you have to know what emotional stability looks like, and I used to have no idea. Emotional stability is the capacity to maintain ones emotional balance under stressful circumstances. For others – and this is unfair – it seems to come easily. It is so annoying how unfair it is if you are naturally good at maintaining a healthy emotional stability. Apparently there is a common phrase, “The key to success is emotional stability.” So for those of you who are naturally emotionally stable, I am happy for you. You have the key to success. There was another thing I read that said, “Emotional stability refers to the extent at which a person is calm and secure. A person who is very stable emotionally would remain calm in many situations, and would feel secure.” I like that. It sounds hopeful and I would like to remain calm in any and all situations.

I’m in the middle. But for a long time, stability was elusive for me, too. Stability isn’t even something that I used to think about until I started looking at myself with complete honesty.

I’m an alcoholic. I’ve also been diagnosed with major depressive and bipolar disorders. Nothing about these facts add up to emotional stability. In fact, I could remain justifiably unstable. But I don’t. Today, I am emotionally stable. Except when I’m not, which is not very often these days. Through a lot of hard work – therapy, working a 12-step program, etc. – I’ve discovered a higher power. And that higher power exists within.

I know how this sounds. You can stop reading now if you like. But spirituality, having faith in something bigger than yourself, is actually immensely practical.

I agree. Having faith in something that isn’t tangible sounds insane doesn’t it? But people like to complicate it. Some people think that God is the only option. Some think it’s Allah, or Buddha. Some like to think of a higher power as love, and connection. Others may believe in forces, energy, nature. Here’s the kicker, it honestly doesn’t matter what you call it. I used to call my higher power sky daddy, but then I was like “why does it have to be a man?” Probably cause society taught us that men are the dominate ones. But that is besides the point and a whole other blog post. The point is that you just have faith. You can’t see electricity and you have faith that it is always going to work, don’t you?

A higher power aids me in living a more emotionally stable life. The reasons why are as follows:
1. I don’t – as much – look to the outside world for validation. My validation comes from within.
2. I don’t feel alone.
3. I feel connected.
4. I feel grounded.
5. I am a part of something much larger than myself.

SAME. PERIOD.

How one goes about finding a higher power would be a whole other blog, so I’m not going to get much into that here. But if you’re interested in emotional stability, start seeking your own spirituality. Find the voice within that’s full of love. The search can be long and it can go deep, but in the end, is emotional freedom. MIC DROP.

I am just starting to feel the freedom today. All it takes is open-mindedness and a little bit of willingness. Just surrender. I did. Jamie did. We surrender all the time. You can also surrender. You can also build faith and trust in something that is greater than you. But you don’t have to if you don’t want to.

Today I’m spiritual and stable.

This. This right here. This is Laurie.

I can’t tell you every little thing about Laurie that I want to because that would take all day and I would never finish. I want you to know her though, and what better way to do that than to let you hear it from others. I asked some of Laurie’s closest friends to describe her, or tell me their favorite thing about her. So this blog post is written by more than just me.

McKenzie said, “My favorite thing about Laurie might sound dumb but my favorite thing about her and the thing I miss THE MOST about her is her laugh. Her laugh was contagious. Her laugh put a smile on my face. Her laugh made me laugh. She was so god damn funny and full of life. Her laugh filled the space and changed the energy in a room. Her laugh was comforting and familiar. It was warm. When I close my eyes, I can still hear her voice and that god damn deep belly laugh. You know the one. The one that if it went on for too long she’s start wheezing and pee her pants a little- that one!”

Jamie said, “Laurie’s joy for life and her beautiful and loving heart. I’ll never forget the last day I saw her, just four days before she died. She was radiating. She gave me the biggest hug and we sat down and talked about how happy she was in that moment. I want to be like Laurie, fully present and making everlasting connections with people through a joy for life.”.

This next picture captures Laurie and her spirit so perfectly. I miss her smile, and her laugh.

The water was her happy place. I believe it is where she felt most free. Laurie was a fucking miracle, y’all. She brightened up every single room she walked into. Her love was unconditional. She was free from the bondage of addiction when she died. She was happy when she died. Isn’t that what we all want? Happiness? Laurie’s happiness was contagious, and I really miss her.

I love how Amanda described her. She wrote, “Laurie was wild! Her outlandish Northern accent, her passion for the Floridian sun and surf, her penchant for Starbucks coffee and her incessant need to get the perfect picture, were just some of the characteristics of this wonderful person who bounded into our lives.  With every belly laugh, goofy selfie, and endless conversation, she was teaching me to squeeze every infinitesimal drop of life and sweetness from each minute we could grasp our hands on. She was the big sister I always wished I had. She taught me how to live and love in greater measures than I could ever have dreamed.”

Kari shared, “I’ll tell you a story, so when I was doing my dive training, on our first dive I had a panic attack, freaked out. I ended up going back in and finishing the dive but I felt so discouraged afterwards. It was at vortex. I called Laurie on the way home and talk with the the whole way home. She was so encouraging and talked me through it. I literally talked to her everyday after that until she died. We would talk about life, recovery, our struggles. Sometimes she was struggling, sometimes I was but she was always there for me and NEVER judged me. She loved unconditionally.”

I keep having to throw in pictures because it’s easy to smile when you see her smile. As I write this post I keep thinking about how fearlessly she loved people. It was amazing. Like, she had no judgement, none. The only person she ever judged was herself, but she even stopped doing that just before she left us. She was beginning to treat herself like the queen she actually was. She started loving herself like she loved others. One of the guys in the pictures above was named Bo. He went to treatment with a few of us. He was one of Laurie’s very best friends. When he passed away, suddenly, Laurie was devastated. But instead of laying around, throwing a pity party, and not being useful, she honored her sadness and heartache and then turned it into something productive. For example, she called others, talked to his friends and family, and found anywhere that she could either be of service or just useful somewhere and in some way. I miss her positivity and relentless urge to lead and live a super awesome, adventure-filled life.

Cassie said, “Laurie and I met on July 4th, 2018. I was always so timid when it came to meeting new people. Especially, women. Laurie made it so easy, though. The first thing I noticed about Laurie was her thick Boston accent that I can still hear today, but the second thing I noticed was how vibrant and personable she was. I felt like I had known her for years. We laughed until we cried and there was a sense of ease when I was around her. I miss her big smile and passionate hugs. She lives in my heart forever.”

Hanging out with friends was Laurie’s ultimate goal daily. She was always running around. She never stopped. She was hanging out with you here, helping someone else there, and then driving across town to go get coffee and attend a meeting. She was so loyal to her friends, never letting them down. Everyone I have reached out to this week to get their words and thoughts on Laurie mentioned her being so unconditional with her love. Also, she was the least judgmental person on this planet which I am pretty sure I already said.

Laurie- I miss you so much. Thank you for being such a good person and a joy to be around. I love you and I hope I see you again. Fly high, my friend.

This picture was taken about two years ago. It was captured at some point during the three days I spent non-stop learning about and practicing scuba diving with my best friend Laurie. Laurie and I met in treatment. It was like we had known each other for years when we met. We had this unbreakable bond that I have never had with anyone before I met her. She was an incredibly special person to pretty much every person she met. She died doing what she loved the most; which was living life to the fullest. Something you should know about Laurie is that before she got sober, she overdosed three times all in a matter of three weeks so her literal goal in life was to go all out and live life [FEARLESSLY] to the fullest.

Stay tuned. My next blog post is strictly dedicated to Laurie Andrews.

I AM GOING SCUBA DIVING TOMORROW.

So, essentially I am here to prepare myself for it. And I am going to do that by telling you about my previous diving experiences. I’ll keep it short, don’t worry. I can’t read long things all in one sitting because I lose focus quickly, especially if it’s not interesting. So, I know how you might feel after reading this.

Getting scuba certified was one of the most exhilarating experiences of my life. We spent part of a day in the classroom doing the boring stuff like learning about decompression sickness, and air bubbles in your lungs, and other important shit like that. Our dive instructor was the shit. He made everything easy to understand and he cared about our safety. Not because he had to, but because he wanted to. You could tell he was passionate about ensuring that scuba diving is not only safe, but also enjoyable. After classroom work, we jumped in the pool for a fitness test. It was like ten minutes of treading water plus like five pool laps or something like that? Honestly, I was so out of shape at the time that I thought I wouldn’t get certified just because I couldn’t pass the fitness part. Turns out, it wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be.

We spent a whole day in the pool. I was a complete raisin at the end of the day. We did take like an hour break for lunch, but other than that we spent the whole day in the pool. From 9am to about 4 that evening. There is so much to learn when you get scuba certified. Once we got out into the open water, that was where the real freedom came. Oh, and courage.

So then we really went diving. We went out in the open water, out in the gulf, with all the sharks. I had come to terms with the fact that I was gonna get eaten by a shark and die that day. Clearly I didn’t die because I am here to tell you that we saw NO sharks. Secretly, I was disappointed.

Scuba diving comes with a freedom I have never felt before. Being under water, in a whole new world I had never fully emerged myself in was one of the first times I realized that I could have fun and be sober at the same time. It was proof that I could enjoy myself, and the company others, without putting a substance in my body to change the way I felt. I felt so free underwater. I felt invincible. I moved through some fear during that training, and came out on the other side with not just courage, but pure contentment for the moments I would find myself in.

As I prepare myself for the trip out in the water, I remind myself of that freeing feeling, and that courage I found myself having. I remind myself that I am safe, and worthy of happiness. I remind myself of Laurie and how she would want me to live my life to the fullest. I feel her presence and I know she’ll be in the water with me tomorrow. I love you Laurie.

I hope you made it through this post and if you didn’t its ok because it was mainly for me and my sanity anyways.

Peace.

I am totally kidding. Being a teacher is the best thing that I could have ever learned to be in my life. I love learning, now. And I love teaching.

When I got to college, I thought I wanted to study biology until I fell in love with this class I took called Education Psychology, so I started taking education classes and then I also took Psych 101. Honestly I think it was the teacher that I admired the most about the class. She made it fun, and she made it interesting. She was passionate about her students growth. It was cool. I wanted to do that for people.

At first, it felt like a different language. It took me a long time to understand Education and all the work that comes with it. In college, I heard multiple times from so many different people that Education is for those who don’t have the brains for something harder. I ended up believing that about me. I couldn’t handle Biology classes so I just turned to Education. I believed the lie, the enemy, the people.

Let me take you back a year or three to when I was in high school. I could even go back to middle school actually. I distinctly remember a teacher calling on me because I had my hand up and her saying, “That is enough stupid questions from you.” I will never forget it. It hit me hard and I felt really small in that moment. Really small. It took that and few other comments from adults and other people in my life to really believe that I was stupid. And as you know by now, that’s a thought that I have carried my entire life.

One of my goals as a teacher is to create a safe space for students to learn and make mistakes. I want them to know that when they make mistakes, they can grow in that moment if they choose to. But most importantly, that they feel safe enough to do so. It’s really that simple. I mean, obviously I love teaching the subjects, watching kids learn how to read and develop confidence in themselves. I love a lot about it.

Also, there really aren’t any stupid questions… most of the time.

Let me tell you how I got to where I am today in the teaching world:

I started off volunteering at place where adults come for the day and we plan out activities for them to do. These activities help with social, motor, communication, and physical skills. I volunteered, interned, and worked there. I loved helping others see the beauty in themselves, especially those with special needs. I then took an interim class my first year in college, during the month of January, where I went to schools and just acted as a teachers aid and observed the teacher and the interactions between students and teachers. It was really neat, and I loved the atmosphere. I wanted to be like some of these teachers. I knew this was something that I could be passionate about.

After that month, I really got into some drugs. I started smoking weed every day, taking pills, and going to classes high. I did that all through the next two years. My senior year I went to do some student teaching in Ghana, Africa. This was my second time visiting Africa with my school. On the way to Ghana, in January 2014, I got violently ill. I was throwing up every five minutes it seemed like. Our flight got delayed and I slept on the airport floor with a bunch of other future teachers and college junior and seniors. Someone continued to feed me nausea medicine that would knock me out. Every time I woke up I would puke. I was so dehydrated and so sick that when we got there I don’t even remember getting into the bed I was in when I woke up like a whole day later. They took me to the hospital. IN AFRICA. And I got five bags of fluids. They wanted to send me home, but I refused to let that happen. So I eventually made it and taught there for a few weeks. The most important thing I learned in Ghana was the importance of human connection, and how important kindness it.

Ok, I am rambling.

A couple years go by; I did some nontraditional teaching in a residential teenage girl’s program. It’s 2016 and my drug use spikes to an all time high. I am fiercely taking Xanax, smoking weed, showing up late to work, and hurting the people close to me. Somehow I got a job in the public school system that year. I still to this day feel like I should have never been allowed to have that job. It was the only thing that kept me from killing myself that year. I was teaching 3rd grade and I just fell in love with teaching. Even though I was killing it, doing well with my job, (most of the time) I was still getting high and drinking every single night. It started with a couple glasses of wine a night, and then it ended with a bottle and a half plus a pack of cigarettes. And of course I was then going on drug runs on weekends, then week nights, then every other day because I couldn’t go without. And then I got arrested on the night of December 26, 2016. Oh what a night, haha.

So, I lied to my principal, and didn’t tell the school system that I had been arrested and charged with a misdemeanor. I was charged with possession of prescription pills. That night I was so high I barely remember the part between getting pulled over, and then arriving at the police station. I was able to finish out the school year without them noticing that I had been in trouble with the law.

At the end of the year, when I was pink slipped, let go, I wanted to blame everyone but myself. I thought my teaching career was over because it was out that I was a drug addict, and I was going to treatment that summer. I did, I went twice actually before I began teaching again. It took about two years of working random little jobs, staying sober to the best of my ability, and just doing the next right thing. It worked. I finally got a teaching job, and this will be my second year in a row as a third grade teacher at my school.

WOW.

WOW.

WOW.

I am beyond grateful for my life today. I am beyond grateful I never gave up on my dreams of being a teacher.

This next year will bring challenges that I will learn to face as they come. I am going to be teaching remotely and I will be glad when I can add “Remote Teacher” to my resume!

Thanks for sticking with me on this one. I know it was a little more boring than the others, but I am grateful to be here today and to be writing about something I love.

Now, I am gonna go eat ice cream.

I am sure you are wondering why I named this ‘The Succulent Club.’ Here’s why…

I LOVE SUCCULENTS.

I fell for one of those facebook ads where they said I could sign up for this membership and get two succulents a month. And honestly, I was like HELL YEA. And then I told a friend and she said, “You probably shouldn’t tell people that.”

Ok, bitch. (jk she’s my favorite) And now I’m telling the world.

This is just one of my new hobbies; along with working out and anything outside. I am also a really good Netflix binger. FYI- I have not officially given in to the two succulents a month. I am sure I will once I move. I am almost a homeowner for the first time. I can’t believe it. Like I was talking about in my thoughts blog post, I don’t really know if I deserve it or not. I think about all the shit I’ve done in my life, all the people I’ve hurt, and the relationships I have destroyed and wonder why the universe is still providing me with such a fucking blessing. Excuse my language there; but, I am so serious.

I have so many things to be grateful for today. In fact, I’ll give you a few examples of things that I have little to immense gratitude for:

So there you go. There are some of my favorite things. You should try listing a few things you are grateful for. It really changes, and can alter the way my day may be going. This is something I am grateful that I have learned.

So, who am I?

So far I have gathered that I’m just another bozo on the bus. I’m unique, just like every single one of you; like EVERY HUMAN BEING in the entire world. I am not about to start shit, or talk about politics. That’s just not me. And thats ok. I have beliefs, thoughts, opinions, ideas, just like everyone else. And I am sure some of mine will come clear as I keep writing. Also, I am just another insecure little girl who is letting that thought (I am so insecure) go. It is fucking liberating, y’all. LET THAT SHIT GO. And love that little girl, or that little boy. Love it hard. Love it fearlessly. I don’t know about you, but I need that reminder just now.

Today when I get in fear, I stop and surrender 40% of the time. But, that is 40 more than it was three months ago. I love the word surrender. I used to think it was the same thing as being submissive. I was wrong. I was wrong about everything. Surrendering [TO ME (and I cannot emphasize that enough)] means letting that shit go. It means accepting whatever it is, LITERALLY WHATEVER IT IS, no matter how big or how small. And it means not taking it back once I have let it go. I believe in a power greater than me today. Whether that be God, Allah, The Universe, wisdom, energy, forces, he, she, it, the color purple (It doesn’t matter to me), I believe in it today. I really do.

But trusting in that power, genuinely accepting that everything is gonna be ok, is the tough part. But I have been practicing. I am not great, but I am better than I was yesterday, and I’ll be better at it again tomorrow as long as I do the next right thing…… and maybe some meditation or working out…

Did that make sense? Meh, it did in my head.

Thanks for reading my blog. If you made it this far you should hit that follow button somewhere on your screen- that would be kinda cool of you. Or you don’t have to. It is up to you!

Happy Sunday, ladies. Love you.

Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! (if you know you know)

…spirits in my head and they wont go…

That’s just a song, don’t worry. It got your attention though didn’t it?

Let me tell you about the thoughts that go through my head. Before I start though, I want to preface this with they are just thoughts, they aren’t reality. I can change my thoughts and I know that today. Substituting a positive thought with a negative one works wonders; you should try it. It is very simple.

“You’re a piece of shit addict and alcoholic.”

“You don’t deserve happiness.”

“You aren’t enough, and you are worthless.”

“You’re stupid.”

“You’re fat.”

“You’re ugly.”

“Why would anyone want to be your friend?”

These are just a few of the things that my roommate (the voice in my brain) tells me. I once heard, “Treat your mind like a dangerous neighborhood, don’t go there alone.” This is so true. My mind can be so dangerous. It can convince me that I am the worst person in the world, but it can also convince me that I am better than you. Humility tells me that I should be in between; I am no less than you, but I am no better than you.

These are the thoughts that I have always carried with me. These are the things I’ve believed my whole life up until recently. And it’s not that I don’t believe them anymore, but I am gaining more confidence in myself and I am willing to now believe something else, something more positive. I am not afraid of happiness anymore.

These thoughts, these guns.. they’re starting to go.

“Thoughts in your head are really no different than the sound of a bird outside. It’s just that you decide that they are more or less relevant.”

Adyashanti

Haven’t you heard that saying, “You are what you think?” I used to hear this and think nothing of it… no pun intended. It used to go in one ear and out the other, meaning absolutely nothing to me. Today, I understand.

In case you haven’t figured it out, I am an alcoholic and addict. Supposedly, my mind works differently than normal people’s minds work. Alcoholics think, act, believe, and feel based on distorted perceptions of themselves and the world around them. That was me. I based all my decisions on the way I felt- which was usually shitty considering I was always drunk. And if I wasn’t drunk, I was definitely high.

The disease of alcoholism gradually and insidiously strips everything away from a person. Until there is nothing left but death, or maybe the chance at life if you have even an inkling of sense.

Let that sink in.

Deeper.

I started drinking when I was a senior in high school even though everyone else I knew, that I called friends, had been drinking for a while. I was terrified. I saw what it did to people close to me. I’ll spare those details because I have no idea what family members might be reading this. But then I broke my leg and like I said, the world was over, everything was over.

Every time I drank, I drank to bLaCkOuT. I drank to escape. Escape my thoughts. I drank because it’s the only thing that helped me tolerate life. I used to take a little bit of each kind of alcohol from the liquor cabinet and mix it together. It was disgusting, honestly. But it did the job. The drugs come into play later when I went to college, but for now drinking had to be enough for me. But I could never get enough, and it was always too much. But what did I care?

My life was over. So drinking was my only option.

That’s all for now.

So, what now? What do I write about next? Do I talk about the mess, the ugly stuff? Or do I talk about what I am doing today? Do I talk about my dog? My family? My childhood? I don’t know. But what I do know is that I literally couldn’t sleep last night and all I can think about is what to write next.

I have no idea who I am.

But what I do know is that I was born on December 23, 1991 in Mobile, AL. According to my mother, I was almost born on Government Blvd. in downtown Mobile. If you’re familiar with the city, then you know what I am talking about (unless you don’t). A few months after I was born, we moved into my childhood home that still stands today. I grew up on a farm in Daphne, Alabama. Corte farms. I have lived their my entire life with the exception of my college years that were taken to Birmingham for four loooooooooooooooong f***ed up years. We’ll get into the mess very soon. Growing up on a farm meant long days outside climbing trees, running through fields, and all things outside and dirty. My grandmother lived next door, across the corn field. She had a pool. I remember spending A LOT of time in that pool with my siblings and cousins. I also remember riding in the tractor, sitting in my grandfathers lap in the non-air condition, dirty, squeaky tractor as we rode a few feet before I was hot and ready to get out. Those were the days though.

I have a large family.

My parents got divorced when I was five. I can’t explain why. I used to think it was my fault. I blamed myself for years. One day my dad was just not there and the next thing I knew I was going to my dad’s one room studio apartment every other weekend. As a child, I was so innocent. I remember being so excited to go see my dad. Mainly because he knew how to have fun with me. We used to listen to Celine Dion and Shania Twain, and dance and sing. We’d go fishing every weekend out in the gulf and then he’d cook our fresh fish we caught while explaining to me exactly what he was doing and how he made it taste so good. He knew the way to my heart, through music and food and a damn good time.

That is me and my dad. And we sure do know how to have fun.

But shortly after that photo was taken, I was in rehab. I didn’t know that drugs and alcohol were taking ahold of me and driving all my decisions and actions in life. I thought I drank because it was fun. I thought I drank because everyone else did. I thought I did drugs because so did my friends. But the difference between me and them was that all I thought about was alcohol and drugs, myself, and nothing else. I lost myself in alcohol and drugs. I thought I knew who I was and where I was going in life. I really did. Little did I know, I hated myself and everything around me. I was angry, tired, lonely, frustrated. I spent many years thinking I was happy and having fun when in reality I was miserable and fed up with life. I didn’t know I was unhappy. I didn’t know I had anxiety.

I didn’t know I was living my life in complete fear until three months ago.

Today, I do know that I’ve been living in fear. Today I get to move forward with faith that a power greater than me has created me and given me the chance to have gratitude today. I have faith today, not fear (that’s a lie, I still have fear a lot of the times). I am starting to believe in myself, take myself seriously. This is my way to discovering myself. I hope that we can do that together as I venture on through this journey of blog writing. If you would have told me two months ago that people would be reading a blog that I wrote, I would have laughed in your face. I’m not good enough to write a blog. I’m not good enough to be read about. I finally stopped lying to myself.

So here I am, all of me.